Vulnerability…

Hey Friends,

How are you all?

So, I’m thinking you might just be popping over here because you want to know what is going on after reading my Instagram post?? Of course. That’s what we do as humans.  And I wrote it to share where I am right now and hopefully my journey will help someone feel not alone. I remember the summer posts and how many friends were thankful because they no longer felt alone. You are never alone.

With that said.. My life seems to have always been some type of whirlwind. I think I am the original dyson- I suction up the dirt and the ugly and keep it inside the canister ( the emotions canister)  and the outside surroundings look perfectly fine.  SO, there must be some type of patent pending on me, Right? ummm I’d like my royalties now please. And just like the vacuum until you clean out whats inside it stays funky and IF YOU DON’T clean it out- what happens? It no longer functions properly.

Clean out time…

On October 22nd at about 11:30 AM I was in a craft store shopping for Christmas stuff. Happy as could be.  Until…   My phone rings with an unrecognized number. I RARELY answer these but something told me to answer. So, I did. The news was so shocking from what I remember I just kept walking in circles. I eventually ditched my cart and walked to my car and sat inside while I tried to listen to what I was hearing. Or trying to hear because it couldn’t be true.. It couldn’t be true of my Child.. and Not this child.  I am being real— saying that. Yes, vulnerable.  The news I was getting is that my son had been arrested and If I wanted to know why,  I would need to show up in court at 2PM the same day that I got the call so in about 2 hours – I know had to be in court.

If you don’t know I have 3 boys. 28, 25 and 17. My 25 year old is addicted to drugs I cant even pin point which one anymore. If you’re familiar at all with what I’m talking about it’s just called addicted to drugs- then there is –what is the drug of “choice” I have heard this so many times in meetings that I have attended as the parent. “what is his drug of choice” did he have a hard childhood?” whats going on at home? and the list goes on and on. Anyway..  it SUCKS! PERIOD it just freakin” Sucks!!!

The phone call isn’t about the middle- Its about my oldest. Sadly I immediatley thought when they asked “do you know that your son has been arrested?” I thought they were talking about him, the middle. The shame I felt for thinking that was hard. Sadly, when my son has been making the same choices for 8 long years,  I instantly thought it was the middle son. He is homeless and I have done everything to “fix him” Not my job. I know this is his journey but as a mom-ugh anyway…

Back to my oldest son.. I went to court and the charges were unbelievable to me.  Robbery.  I don’t want to say more on that but I also don’t want to leave you thinking “what was it?”. You don’t know him or maybe you do and you are shocked reading this. Robbery is what he’s being charged with,  what part he played is is still blurry to me.

This is the same kid that donated his time to help others. What?? He even got a Certificate from the city for donating over 150 Volunteer hours. (pre-drugs)

Story Continued… after GIANT PICTURE-

What I can say is that this  life chapter will change him. This is what makes me most sad. He is an addict. Heroin is his drug of choice. (smoking it) Yes, I feel the need to say that because the thought of my child injecting something into his body makes me nauseous.  We all think of what we have seen in the movies or wherever and I’m sure your thought went straight to a needle. Not that what he did is any less. Its awful its an addiction.  Go to Hell Heroin!!!!

God I pray that you let this change him in a positive healthy way.

What addiction does to families… everyone has a different emotion about it or the way they handle it. Sometimes I just don’t want to see or hear what others think about it. I want to be able to have my emotions AND I have to respect what their emotions are towards all this as well.  I have had  to come to be ok with the fact that he will not be at Christmas or any other holidays or life events for that matter.  He will miss his brothers 18th Birthday and His brothers Senior graduation and a wedding and I HAVE to be ok with this. Sadly He Also has to be ok with it.  We talk about it and we see how God saved him for later memories of his life.  Sometimes, This is beyond hard that he’s missing out in the now..  It’s also hard to try to be the glue not just for him but for everyone in my family. The updates the putting all this into perspective the person in the middle and  Being his go to for everything. Absolutely I will be that for him – I am just saying its sometimes exhausting.  ALOT actually.. Sigh i deleted that last part a couple of times But I’m tired and sad.

I/We constantly reassure myself/oursleves with Gods Grace that he has abundantly given us.

*** this Part in the parenthesis Is an after thought after I re-read the blog post

( I want you to know – We knew he had an addiction – he had been in an in- patient program 2X in the past year. Both times he did well but only for a short span after leaving the program-so the addiction was not new to me- the actions that he chose because of addiction were a shock to me- I wanted to believe he was doing ok even though his looks showed me different at times– I’m only posting the pics of the past year during the good times- My blog my pics Insert wink emoji Here)

I am so trying not to be on my phone as much just because its important for Big and I’s relationship. But I am obsessed with checking for missed calls as if I can even call him back.  I CANT CALL HIM BACK!! I still pick up my phone to text him. We talked/texted several times a week.

My Phone time– I Then get on Instagram to see what “happy” things people are doing and to look at their “happy, perfect lives” I am doing better- much better with stepping away from Instagram “happy”. Does anyone else do this? Is Instagram the new way to see Soap operas?

I have barely even decorated for Christmas- sadly nor do I want to. I am so not this person.. UGH actually right now I am. I am trying- friends and family I am truly trying.

Because I have always been the glass is half full kind of girl – I won’t give up,  ever. I will take this for what I am supposed to and not fear why God is making me stronger. What scares me is stronger for why- what and why do I need to be stronger? Crap,  did I just say I won’t fear that GOD IS MAKING ME STRONGER? Omgosh– I can’t let my mind go there. God is good and this IS his plan and I am blessed that he has placed me exactly where I am meant to be.

I hope this encourages you to be kind today. You NEVER know what someone is going through even when life looks so perfect.  And If you see someone in the  bullseye/dollar section at Target buying way to many things- you should probably offer them a hug or prayer. Just sayin’

Cheers my Beautiful Friends.  Insert double pink heart emoji here.